Women behind the window in Amsterdam by c. gomboli used under creative commons license with additional text and cropping.
We ran errands together the other day, and it happened again. I wanted to say, “Psst…hey you. Yeah. I saw what you just did.” Weight discrimination isn’t just a legal issue- it’s a heart issue. And it’s going to cost you.
When you dismiss her because she’s fat, or rake her over with a look of silent disgust, she sees you. And so do I. And I want you to know that you just missed out.
You’re missing her beauty. You’ve apparently overlooked her gorgeous blue eyes, and her enviably thick mane of hair. Maybe you didn’t notice her beautiful fair skin with a scattering of freckles, or the natural light streaks in her hair. I’m sure you didn’t see her delicate hands and the simple mod wedding set that would have tipped you off that she has really unique taste and an artistic eye.
You’re missing her many, many talents. She designs sewing patterns and creates toys, quilts, and clothing for her own children and for friends as well. She throws the most amazing and well planned birthday parties ever, with a gift for putting personalized touches into the details. She’s got a fantastic sense of style; her eye for design always impresses me. She is a thoughtful and funny hostess who has a gift for warming the room with hilarious stories and observances.
You’re missing her heart. She’s one of the most caring people I’ve ever met. She has the ability to communicate with children in a way that connects with their mind and soul, because she still remembers how she thought when she was a child. She’s genuinely kind- the sort of person who you’d want your child to bump into if they were lost. She has an uncanny ability to sense when another person is hurting. Maybe it’s because she has lots of experience with being overlooked and undervalued.
You’re missing her value. She is the truest friend I’ve ever had. She’s been beside me for my wedding, for the birth of all of my children, and through my lowest times. She is loved by her own family- she has brought five amazing kids into the world, and mothers them vigilantly and with compassion.
You’re missing that she’s my little sister. We shared a room for over a decade; we shared clothes in high school and college. I was her matron of honor. We share genes, and a lifetime supply of funny stories and confidences.
You’re missing the point. Remember Martin Luther King’s Dream, that one day men will be judged by the content of their character? That’s where you’ll find the true quality of a person. Measuring value by external factors like weight, age, or skin color is going to bite you in the long run. If you are passing judgement and rejecting people based on what you see on the outside, you are missing out on a world full of amazing and beautiful people. Worse, you’re perpetuating an ideology that will one day turn on you.
[bctt tweet=”If you’re rejecting people based on their outside, you’re missing out on amazing and beautiful people. http://bit.ly/1NKgJiC”]
We are all aging one day at a time, and even the most well kept physique and pristine face are going to wither. And even then, she will be beautiful to me.
You’re missing compassion. When her body started rebelling years ago, she fought it hard. She still cares. It just flat out sucks to be uncomfortable in your own skin. But sometimes you come to a point where you just have to accept that there are not convenient answers or fixes. That there are things you can’t control about your own body and your own life. So you hold your head up willfully each day and walk through life to the best of your ability with what you are given. And you just get used to people silently and not so silently revealing their character by how they treat you. On one hand, it’s a shame. On the other hand, it’s much easier to spot the people who have both compassion and character enough to love the imperfect souls of this world.
You’re missing her determination. When we were in our mid 20’s we both decided to get fit. We did Weight Watchers together. She was vigilant. Plus, she showed me up- she joined a gym with my brother and working out multiple times a week. I lost 20 pounds, and she lost 5.
And we’ve played out this scenario over and over through the years. We carried babies, we tried different eating styles, we changed our eating habits to be healthier as we learned more about nutrition. She does not consume corn syrup, pringles, candy, etc. She cares. She tries. But our bodies just don’t operate the same way.
If you still believe that obesity always means a person is lazy and eats too much, then you’re sorely misinformed. Just like there are many different factors that play into hair loss, infertility, or migraines, there are many medical factors that play into obesity. And science has still not unravelled them.
[bctt tweet=”Just like there are many factors that play into infertility & migraines, there are complex medical factors that play into obesity. http://bit.ly/1NKgJiC”]
Maybe you just honestly didn’t realize this because you can do a few laps around the block and watch your calories and drop weight like the experts say. I get it. It’s lucky genes. Lucky you and me. But please don’t assume it works that way for everyone. It just doesn’t.
These few sentences don’t really do her justice. But I thought you should know that she is loved, she is mine, and I am proud of her.
Don’t miss out!
I don’t want you to miss out due to weight discrimination. Make room in your heart for all sizes and ages and colors of people-don’t miss some of the truly beautiful people in this world.
Please give the imperfectly wonderful people in your life a hug today and tell them that they’re beautiful to you. They need to hear it.
To pin:
P.S. Since this is really my sister, I will not allow unkind comments.
P.S. Since this is really my sister, I will not allow unkind comments.
Wow! What a lovely tribute to your much-loved sister. I wish I knew her. She sounds AWESONE.
Well said! I’ve had very similar experiences. I’ve tried various diets to help lose weight. I exercise, and eat a real food diet (better than lots of skinny people I know) and it just doesn’t help the weight come off. I wish people would offer more grace and less judgement!
I will say, though, that after I started taking Juice Plus+ last year, my body started healing from the inside out. After about six months, I noticed that my body was starting to reshape and rebuild. It was very encouraging, even though it is still going slowly.
Your sister sounds like a wonderful person! I hope lots of people will read your post and look past what’s not important to what is. As someone who was thin when I was younger, but struggle with my weight now that I’m older, I know firsthand how differently people treat you based on physical appearance. It’s almost like extra weight makes you somehow invisible to some people and that they think you don’t notice or feel hurt by their words or actions. I hope your post encourages others to be kinder and more aware of how they treat people, regardless of how much they weigh.
Love you Gwen!! Love you Heidi!!
Gwen, you are so right on this! I’ve seen this over and over again, and it makes me so sad. 🙁 People are so mean and hurtful when they refuse to be friends or be kind to someone who is overweight. They truly don’t know what they are missing out on, amazing friendships that could last a lifetime. My cousin married a woman who is larger in size, always has been, and she is a kind and amazing, beautiful woman. It’s other people’s losses, I’m afraid.
How blessed your sister is to have you! 🙂 She sounds like a wonderful person.
Sweet and lovely as always! ❤️❤️❤️
Very well written! Thank you! Unfortunately, I am one of those people who notices physical appearances and may make snap judgments. I don’t want to – that is not my true heart – it is my fleshly nature reacting. I think that some of it comes from my days working as a nurse and having to try to wash and keep clean, over-weight patients. I had compassion but I still had a gag reflex every time. I do try hard to look for positive attributes in people just as you described about your sister – lovely skin, beautiful eyes, nice smile etc. and focus on those. There can be beauty in over-weight people just as there can be ugliness in thin, so-called ‘beautiful’ people. God looks at a person’s heart and so should we.
Ummm. Not all overweight people are disgusting, lying in a hospital bed, relying on nurses to wash them. Think about that too!
Thank you! Her comment gave me a gag reflex.
She is all you’ve described and so much more.
Red and yellow, black and white, chubby and skinny, deaf and dumb,…they are precious in His sight…..and should be just as precious in ours. What a wonderful tribute to your sister, Gwen. it sounds like you are both blessed to have each other!
Thank you for this! I stumbled across your blog today just when I needed it! I am the “fat sister”. Thank you for reminding me of my worth. I may be fat but I am not useless. I’ve been feeling sorry for myself lately and your article really helped. God bless you. Your sister is blessed to have you.
((((hugs)))
What a beautiful post. I wish one of my sisters had written it. :} It is so nice to hear. 🙂
Thanks
Beautifully said. Thank you so much for writing this. I shared it with my teen daughter to remind her not to judge people, or she will be the one missing out.
I read this with tears in my eyes. I am your sister…that’s my story. I’ve tried for years to tell people our weight is just a very small part of who we are. The scale doesn’t weigh our gifts, talents, abilities, passions…it just weighs our body mass. But many people don’t get it and it’s so hard for ME not to buy into the idea that I’m a second rate citizen, that not as good as that other slimmer mother/grandmother.
You’ve written this article so eloquently and from the bottom of my heart, I thank you!
I hope you have people in your life to believe in and value you. ♥ And that you can and will as well!
Brava!!! As someone who has had the same struggle and seen the ‘looks,’ I get it! I had bariatric surgery and managed to lose 100 pounds–and keep them off for 5 years. One bad fall and a traumatic brain injury later, and I put 25 back on and I feel nothing but shame. My husband loves me the way I am. My kids tell me I look great, but because of all of the crap that I have put up with, I can’t see myself as beautiful with any extra pounds. I am so glad that I was able to raise my kids to love themselves as they are. They don’t see my self loathing, I keep that to myself and it’s not every day. I don’t know your sister and I love her! You are amazing!
♥ May you see yourself as your kids see you- they have the best vantage point.
As always, beautifully written and touching truth. What a gem you are, dear Gwen! <3
<3 Thank you Melissa...it embarrasses me to even be complimented for this, because I really wanted to draw attention to the beauty of my sister.
God bless you! You have written a beautiful tribute to your sister, one which shows how much you respect and love her. Bravo…
Right on!
When people look at me and see my weight I often wonder what they think. I am sure there are more who see a woman who eats to omuch and exercises too little instead of a woman fighting MS who is usually in too much pain to move. Who is only at her daughters band concert because she would rather die than miss it and took twice the normal pain meds in order to be there.
I make a point to learn what is beneath the surface of people. I wish more would do the same.
Thank you Gwen. Thank you for a little insight into your wonderful sister.
♥ Bless you, Debbi!
(((hugs))) hang in there, God is watching us, he knows. I have MS too, and a host of other issues, its depressing, but I do have a wonderful life, because I make it happen.
Gwen, you don’t know how much this means to me. Thank you for writing it. Thank you for telling me how you feel. And thank you for seeing the real me. I love you.
♥ Love you too! Thank you for your years of friendship and sharing your heart & insights with me.
Thank you for posting this. I can relate, wish I had a sister like you. I feel invisible in this world.
Loved this. Spot on lovely.
Thank you. <3
What a lovely tribute! You should not be embarrassed from the compliments. It is a reflection of the love you have for your sister and the relationship you share with her.
Thank you, Karen. ♥
I am overweight now, but not obese as I used to be. Frankly, I had more personality when I was fat!
<3 Be yourself! Getting healthy is great, but don't lose you in the process.
This beautiful tribute to your sister shows as much of your character as it does hers. Sounds like you are very lucky to have each other!
This was really touching! I cried. I’m sure your sister knows how wonderful her sister is.
How lovely. Thanks so much for writing this.
Beautiful !
Thank you so much for posting this. Even though I am reading this from 5 years ago, it is a truly wonderful story of your sister. I am the big sister and for years and years, I fought to lose weight. I got sick and had to leave teaching and then it all started piling on. One night as I slept, a voice came and it said, “If you do not do something, you will not make it through another winter.” The next morning I called for an appointment with a university weight loss surgery department. In 2009, I had gastric bypass surgery. That first year was wonderful. I didn’t have to ride in carts at the store, I could dig out old clothes I hadn’t been able to wear in years. I could zip through shopping and cleaning.
I couldn’t stop losing weight. I lost 223 lbs. Then I found out that I had MS and had been in that war since I was 20 in college. It explained so much of my years when strange things would happen to my body and then a few weeks later, it would go away. I am now in my mid 6os and I look just like a skeleton with hanging skin. The reason I am writing this is to warn anyone who considers the gastric bypass surgery to not do it. In 2017, my stomach (pouch they call it) rotted and ruptured. I should never have made it to a hospital but I did. All-day surgery. When the surgeon came that evening, this is what he said. “I had to take a rotted piece of tissue and try to close a rotted hole. We flushed you out 3 times but the acid from the stomach may have already damaged too much. I do not think the patch will hold, but if it does, you will never eat like a human being again.”
I do eat like a human but the weight has never come back. I am in the late stages of MS and there is nothing they can do for me at this stage. I pray you and your sister are still close. I tell anyone who will listen that if you or a loved one is overweight, go with them walking every day. Take it slow and then walk further each day. You will lose weight. You will not be hiding in your house because of the way you look. You will start feeling better about yourself. Do not let them have excuses to not walk. Buy them a good pair of tennis shoes and take off. It is a wonderful time to chat about your day and the kids and of course the husband. You can save their lives by simply walking with them. Or join a YMCA or club that has water aerobics. The water is very forgiving to your weight so you are not trying to make the body work as hard as out of the water. Pray for them and love them enough to help them live.
Oh, Suzette. Thank you for sharing your heart and story with us.